Posted Feb 27, 12:43 AM in Film by Scott Conley

I haven’t watched Brian De Palma’s The Untouchables in a couple of years, so when Geoff popped over Saturday night, I chose to roll with it- the wife had not seen it and Geoffrey was up, too.

Now, at this point in humanity’s story, nobody needs Wolf Blitzer to tell them that Kevin Costner isn’t a good actor. We should all know this going in. He only gets maybe two good lines* in the film, anyway. This is Connery’s film. He won both the Academy Award and Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, and reels off line after line of quotable dialogue.

Most people (and every guy) would jump at a Connery movie that won him an Oscar. On top of that, the star power of Untouchables and the great action bits push this well into the Man Movie Hall of Fame (if there were such a place).

The wife, apparently, is not most people. She laid into this movie.

Let’s understand I deserve it. Not a week goes by that her taste for film isn’t under direct assault from the heartless Yours Truly. She is- and nearly all agree- a saint for even semi-regular participation in this marriage. But she really laid it out there for Untouchables, going way past the expected ‘Costner can’t act.’

“Oh, the music!”
“This director is awful!”
“This movie is so CHEESY!”

Not once did she acknowledge how clever Malone is, or what a bad ass Stone is. Nor did she seem at all impressed by DeNiro’s terrific baseball bat sequence. Instead, she noted the overplayed Ness family shots, some ridiculous dialogue from Ness**, the at-times-jarring score and the seemingly dumbed-down directional decisions.

Thing is, she’s right. Clearly, De Palma and company boiled this thing down to the least common denominators of film-loving fun: black and white characterizations, an all-star lineup, over-stylized plot moves, and a healthy dash of Hollywood schmaltz. Even Costner couldn’t screw this one up- he rode the same recipe in the undeniably awful Waterworld , a film which a friend of mine still declares to be on his list of All Time Favorites***.

So, I happily redirect the wife’s criticism into praise. I learned this at work, where it’s called, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!” Spare the fancy IT jargon, and you are left with plain old outright denial.

‘Cause THAT’s the Chicago Way.

---

* “Did it sound anything like that?” and “Take him.” are about as good as he gets. ** “Yeah, well… You’re not from Chicago” is delivered to a terrible Mountie, and terribly so. *** You can’t hide from this, PK.

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• 5

This hasn't been rated yet.

Bits

A Fine Line